Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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