i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
