we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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