I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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