I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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