just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
