Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
