And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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