You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
