He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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