You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
