Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize