So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
