Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
she woke up with a sticky ear
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
