Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
