no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I cockslap morals
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
