My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
