Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
