I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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