I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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