im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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