the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
