At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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