i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
