haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Everything about him screamed your future.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
