my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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