Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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