She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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