Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
