you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
