My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My vagina just recognized that song.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
