how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
