I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
