Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
