I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
