Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
