she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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