U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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