The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Randomize
