There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
