Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
