Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
