I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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