when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
