theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
