Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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