I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
