It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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