Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
is wine microwaveable?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
