I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
