The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
